Here's my predicament, when you get to be as funny as I am (as impossible as that sounds it can be done) people tend to not take anything you say seriously. Normally I wouldn't really have a problem with that because it's been my life for the past 19 years but lately it does. It's not so much that I'm not taken seriously but the fact that a lot of the people I consider myself to be close with don't take my beliefs seriously simply because of the person that I used to be. I will be the first person to admit that I had absolutely no idea what I actually believed until my first semester of college. I changed my beliefs daily and I would be dead set on something and then I would here something different and be dead set on that. I realize this doesn't really help my case but I'm getting to the part of absolute certainty, be patient.
The summer leading up to college was the worst summer I've ever had. I had something really terrible happen to me and I was broken down. I was hurting and I didn't have anyone that I could talk to about it and I didn't want anyone to know so I ignored it and I acted as if everything was fine and that killed me on the inside. I was the farthest from myself that I've ever been but with all that happening I had prayed, actually prayed for the first time in years. I asked God for something, anything to get me out of this spiraling depression and brokenness that I was living in. A few weeks passed and nothing had happened. I had lost all faith in God.
A few weeks later I started school and I was happy to be away, happy to be rid of the root of my problem but I still wasn't back to myself. I got along just fine and I made friends but I didn't really care whether I did or not. I didn't care about anything or anyone. I had hit my low. I passed a friend in the hallway one day and asked about churches in the area. I have no idea what made me ask this question, I was forced to go to church every single week for my entire life and I hated it. I could feel the sentence coming out of my mouth but I didn't know where the thought came from and why did I even ask that specific person? This was my first encounter with what I like to call "God things". Things that can't be explained or defined and the only way that they can be explained is that they are God's way of giving you a push in the right direction.
So it happened, I went to church and as you might have guessed I hated it. Not for the reasons that I used to hate it but I hated it because it made me feel something. I literally just wanted to throw up afterwards and I had no idea why. I was feeling the presence of God for the first time and it scared me, so naturally I ignored it. I had a few spiritually centered talks with this friend but I did my best to change the subject whenever it came up.
At some point in the following weeks I was invited to Arcadia Christian Fellowship and went because I felt bad saying no. Again I had this feeling that I couldn't explain and when I was invited to go on a Christian retreat with the fellowship I wanted to run in the opposite direction, never go back and return to living my life while wallowing in self pity. But instead I said "Sure, I'll go"...
That was it. That weekend changed my life and I accepted Jesus Christ as my savior. I stopped suppressing everything that I had been feeling, I confessed my sins and I let God love me. I'm forgiven and I am able to have a relationship with the Father through His Son who cleansed me from my sins. Whether you like it or not THAT is who I am now. I am loved by the One who created me. I don't need to seek your approval anymore. There have been ups and downs with this but I wouldn't turn back for anything in the world. This is my new beginning, and I'm going to cling to Christ's love with everything that I am. I'm not trying to make you see things the way I do because I can't do that, but I will to the best of my ability, live this life in the way that I think Jesus would. I'll share my beliefs with you because I love you, but I can't make you believe it too. All I'm asking is that you respect my decisions.
Your religious beliefs are irrelevant to our friendship. But I won't change or hide who I am what I believe to please someone else. This is who I am now. You can accept it or you can leave me. Either way I still have the unconditional love of Jesus Christ, and that is all that I need.
